Cuz' Making Sense, Doesn't Make Cents
by Lady Island Rose
Summary: Bella's should-have-been reaction to an undead stalker, Jasper's pain, and Jacob's issue. Man oh man, three situations that I found strange and wanted to change. Stephanie Meyer, y u no make sense! Well I guess if she did, she wouldn't make cents. Do you get it? Three-shot crack.
1. Proper Reaction

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight by Stephanie Meyer, which is probably a good thing, because fan fictions like this hash at it so bad xD**

**I decided to make this three-shot, or drabbles, whichever you prefer, for the mere hilarious situations that really should have happened, and because the very last movie is coming out today xD and I'd like to . . . Eh hem. . . Celebrate the occasion.**

**Enjoy!**

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**1. Proper Reaction**

Bella, a really pale published Mary-Sue sat in her room, on her purple sheeted bed, with the mysterious, aloof, and girlie faerie vampire boy Edward Cullen. He had come through her window, as per usual, and the two were talking.

"What are you even doing here?" Bella asked with a slight tremor in her voice, while tucking her curly brown hair behind her ear (as she seemed to do, 99.9 percent of the time) while looking away from the golden eyes of Cullen (which she also seemed to do. . . A LOT.) Being the awkward thing that she was, and yet so many people wanted to be around her. . .

Mary-Sue, kill it with fire!

Oops. . . I got distracted.

Moving on, Edward's slow and low reply was supposed to be curious and alluring, triggering the girl to fall into a spiral of love and a very abusive and controlling relationship with thousands of danger's that were far from worth it, "I like to watch you when you sleep, I find it. . . Fascinating."

Bella's face went from endearing and slightly obsessive to shocked, to extremely grossed out. And with the inhuman speed that only a vampire should have had, Bella whipped out a can of pepper spray and blasted the Jonas Brother's reject in the face.

"Garrggaaa!"

Edward choked and sputtered and coughed, rocketing off of the bed with such force that when he careened into the wall, he smashed right through and onto the ground below. As soon as he hit the ground, he scrambled away, squealing like a piggy. . . All the way home.

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**There is one. I'm pretty sure I am not the only one who that that her reaction of endearment to her Undead stalker was a little strange.**

**And I am a Twilight Fan.**

**Review please!**


	2. Eternal Damnation

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight by Stephanie Meyer, which is probably a good thing, because fan fictions like this hash at it so bad xD**

**I decided to make this three-shot, or drabbles, whichever you prefer, for the mere hilarious situations that really should have happen, and because the very last movie is coming out today xD and I'd like to . . . Eh hem. . . Celebrate the occasion.**

**Enjoy!**

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**2. Eternal Damnation In The Form Of Constipation**

As the Cullen's strode in with all of the admiring fan girls and boys at Forks High School in Washington staring at the. The lunch room seeming to stop and stare for a second as the adopted family glided to their secluded table. The spell broke as soon as everyone sat down, the humans just began talking again and going about their social lives the moment that spell was over.

Second person from the back was Jasper Cullen, tall, with messy brown curly hair, and blue eyes, and of course, pale skin. He strode behind Alice, who was bouncy as usual, and hid from the humans, because he knew what they would say:

"Hahaha poor Jasper!"

"He looks constipated!"

"Oh and that's Jasper, the one who looks like he's in pain. . ."

Why did he look like that?

That's because he was constipated.

And had been for the past hundred or so years!

He'd tried everything. Laxatives, bad cooking, prune juice! Nothing! So that darn look was strapped to his face for all of eternity. Well, until the beautiful day that his stupid single adopted brother decided to be a pedophile, and hit on and date the seventeen year old Bella Swan. Instead of, you know, spending his time looking for a cure for cancer.

Jasper hung around rather closely, not saying anything, just observing. The smell of her blood made his stomach churn, but not because he was in love with her! Ahhh hell naw, he just wanted her blood. What more would a vampire like him want from a silly little human?

So the day Bella cut her finger on her birthday, Jasper lunged with all of his might, managing to just barely reach the girl, licking up the blood on her finger. At first everyone was freaking out, they thought he was going to eat her or something, psh, he just needed a relief!

Bella's blood was his Ex Lax!

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**xD this was based off of an elaborate inside joke.**


	3. Pedophile's

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight by Stephanie Meyer, which is probably a good thing, because fan fictions like this hash at it so bad xD**

**I decided to make this three-shot, or drabbles, whichever you prefer, for the mere hilarious situations that really should have happen, and because the very last movie is coming out today xD and I'd like to . . . Eh hem. . . Celebrate the occasion.**

**Enjoy! This is the last one!**

**I do not own Dane Cook either, or I would hire him to narrate my life and make snarky (look it up, it's a word. Google that shit.) and hilarious comments about everything I've done xD oh, and I do not own the parody movie of Twilight, Vampires Suck. **

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**3. Pedophile's, You Could Be A Pedophile**

Reneesme (beautifully horrible name) sat, wailing into the arms of Rosalie, who held her as her mother upstairs was slowly dying, and Edward tried frantically to save her by biting her everywhere. . . Awkward.

Anyways, the fireplace was flickering with light as the blond, blue eyed (generic much?) woman as she held the fussy amber eyed, brown headed child. Jacob, resident werewolf with a massive set of muscles, had come from downstairs, disgusted with Edward at his pathetic attempt to fix the woman he had broken and taken away from him (he had met her first! They played Doctor when they were little! Dibs, total dibs! You always respected dibs! It was in the guyble! The guy bible!) and had stopped in on Rosalie and the child he thought of as demon seed.

Until he looked into her eyes.

Those amber eyes. . .

He fell to his knees, staring at the baby with all that he had. It was like he was super glued to the floor. Rosalie turned to look at him, and her lip curled up in a disgusted manner as she said, "You are totally a pedophile."

Jacob nodded slowly.

He had imprinted on the baby of his worst enemy and the girl he thought he was in love with-'s child.

He was totally a pedophile.

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**Well, that's the end :D hope you laughed, or just smiled that's cool too, and that was the goal! **

**If you like vampire's, like real ones, check out Vampire Knight! (Don't own it)**

**And then read my VK story (who's OC and unique plot points I own) ;D (shameless self-advertising)**

**Peace off! Ba do do do do do do do FAVORITE MEEE AND REVIEWW!**

**LOL Tobuscus reference. . .**

**Sadly, I do not own him either. **


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